


Stag Party Planning

by redpangur



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU in which the marauders have internet and phones and recent cultural references, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Texting, i can't believe how much this fic took over my life, otherwise quite canon compliant, sometimes text fics just happen ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-28 00:43:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 13,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17777309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redpangur/pseuds/redpangur
Summary: Padfoot: FINALLY the group chat we deserveProngs: Missed us, Padfoot?Wormtail: funny how you’re so excited for a group chat and yet you never answer my texts~~~~Lily creates a group chat to plan her bachelorette party. Very little goes according to plan.





	1. what is weird about dadfoot

_Lily Evans created the group._

_Lily Evans added James Potter, Jesminder Sharma, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Saoirse Finnegan, and 2 others to the group._

_Lily Evans named the group Stag Party Planning._

Lily: Hi all! As you may know, James and I decided to have a stag party with everyone, instead of two separate parties. More fun that way! It will be on 7/21, the day before the wedding, probably in the late afternoon and early evening, but we’re still ironing out all the details. So if you have any suggestions for what we should do, let us know here! And we’ll update you here too, when we’ve decided on all the specifics. :)

_Sirius Black set the nickname for Sirius Black to Padfoot._

_James Potter set the nickname for James Potter to Prongs._

_Peter Pettigrew set the nickname for Peter Pettigrew to Wormtail._

_Sirius Black set the nickname for Remus Lupin to Moony._

Padfoot: FINALLY the group chat we deserve

Prongs: Missed us, Padfoot?

Wormtail: funny how you’re so excited for a group chat and yet you never answer my texts

Padfoot: ok so my interview yesterday right. the lady is like “how would you define supervision?” 

Prongs: Wow Peter that burn

Wormtail: thanks for the support

Padfoot: and I totally freeze up like I can’t think of anything and I’m like “I guess a vision but beyond? So a super-vision would be greater than a vision?” 

Padfoot: And then she’s like “no like the word supervision. Because you’ll be supervising people in this position.”

Wormtail: lmao

Prongs: Sirius m8 you’re a poet

Padfoot: I KNow like why don’t these interviewers appreciate my genius

Moony: It’s truly almost deep.

Wormtail: Moony’s alive! welcome to our new group chat moonster

Lily: Hey guys? This isn’t your new group chat. It’s just for planning the stag party

_Jesminder Sharma changed the nickname for Jesminder Sharma to Mindy._

Mindy: Hey everyone! This is Mindy. So excited for the party! I’m supposed to be a point person for planning, so you can always contact me with any questions. And like Lily said, don’t hesitate to drop some ideas here.

Padfoot: thank god I have more interviews lined up because that one did NOT work out for me

Padfoot: james can u just hook me up with some of that potter sleekeasy fortune

Padfoot: I’ll be good I swear just be my sugar daddy

Prongs: ;)

Padfoot: A WINKY FACE that means he’s in

Wormtail: James was always the group dad so if we inherit some potter fortune that just makes it official

_Padfoot set the nickname for Padfoot to Dadfoot._

Dadfoot: excuse me

Dadfoot: I’m the group dad how dare you my son 

Wormtail: omg

Dadfoot: fruit of my loins

Saoirse: haha hi! I’m a little confused about what’s going on. Was I added here by accident?

Mindy: No, Saoirse! This is a group for planning Lily and James’ Stag Party! If you scroll up you’ll see the info

Lily: I’m so sorry Saoirse, James just needs to get his boys under control. The group is for us to plan

Saoirse: haha the weird nicknames are a little confusing for sure.

Dadfoot: what is weird about dadfoot

Prongs: to be clear, I am not Sirius’ sugar daddy. Or anyone’s daddy

Dadfoot: too lateeee daddy you owe me a million galleons for my services 

Wormtail: where did moonster go. Is he judging us

Moony: Yes.

Saoirse: hey guys? It’s hard to scroll up when new messages keep coming, hahaa. Can we cool it for a minute?

Dadfoot: moony’s such a liar he’s been giggling at his phone this whole time

Wormtail: ExPOSed

Prongs: Aw Remus still loves us after all

Lily: Boys shut up now please

Lily: Thank you

Dadfoot: I forgot to say it’s an open invitation to all ladies here if you want me to be your wedding date

Dadfoot: check out my profile

Lily: SIRIUS

~~

_Private message_

Wolf boy: Hey.

Dog boy: hey

Wolf boy: We talked about this.

Dog boy: ugh fiiINE

~~

_Chat name: Stag Party Planning_

Saoirse: um?

Mindy: Ew

Dadfoot: jkjkjk of course

Moony: Wow a typical Sirius joke, I guess.

Wormtail: “””joke”””

Prongs: Yeah nice try Remus but sadly we know better

Prongs: Sirius keep it in your pants

Dadfoot: yes daddy

Wormtail: omg

Saoirse: I would like to do a weekend trip. I just got paid and I wanna get out of London!

Lily: Hmm 

Mindy: Nice idea Saoirse! We did consider doing a trip, but we think for everyone’s budget we were just going to do a party the day before the wedding, like we said before

Dadfoot: im always down for whatever but I can’t do a trip unless my sugar daddy funds it

Wormtail: same

Dadfoot: same for Remus

Mindy: Honestly same minus the sugar daddy

Dadfoot: mindy is one of us

Saoirse: I would like to try New Orleans! Either that or Munich

Saoirse: Or even just a shorter trip, like to Paris

Saoirse: So anyway those are my suggestions! Text me please when you’ve decided!

_Saoirse left the group._

Wormtail: lol wut

Dadfoot: stone cold

Prongs: Kind of impressive really

Dadfoot: agreed

Lily: Ffs can you boys not literally drive people to leave the chat

Mindy: I thought we were just going to do this as one chat instead of texting people individually?

Mindy: Also why does she think we’re going to Paris?

Lily: This was supposed to be just a nice little chat

Lily: For my literal bachelorette party

Dadfoot: when they get married does that make lily our mom

Lily: No

Dadfoot: anyway my sons 

Dadfoot: gotta go make dinner

Dadfoot: our new group chat was fun though

Wormtail: how am I your son if you never make me dinner :(

Prongs: Who you calling son

Moony: Count your blessings. At least he doesn’t wreck your kitchen.

Wormtail: wait. Hes making dinner for you?

Moony: No.

Dadfoot: yes

Prongs: lmao

~~

_Private message_

Dog boy: smooth

Wolf boy: Shut up.

Dog boy: you gonna tell them im staying over too

Wolf boy: Why are you texting me from the kitchen?


	2. They're friends dickwad

_Chat name: Stag Party Planning_

Shannon: Hey? I just got off work and there are too many messages so I dunno what this is?

_Lily Evans removed Dadfoot from the group._

Lily: Hi Shannon! This is a group for planning James’ and my stag party! We’re going to do a joint party the day before the wedding. So if you have any ideas for what you want to do, let us know!

Wormtail: stone COLD lily

Prongs: Yeah babe that was impressive

Shannon: haha what?

Mindy: Hey girl! If you have any ideas for the party drop them here!

Shannon: I don’t even know who everyone is haha

Prongs: I’m James

Moony: This is Remus. Nice to meet you, Shannon.

Shannon: You too!

Wormtail: I’m lily

Shannon: haha ok?

Shannon: I dunno if I have any party ideas! I’m up for whatever!

Mindy: Ok, Shannon! Hit us up if you get any ideas!

Shannon: Ok!

Tracey: Oh THAT’s what this group is for. I thought it was spam.

Lily: Hi Tracey! It’s not spam!

Mindy: Hi Tracey!

Tracey: Saoirse was saying we were going on a trip?

Wormtail: lol wut

Lily: Haha um? I’m not sure why she’s saying that? That’s not the plan. We’re just going to do a simple party the day before the wedding. Probably go out somewhere

Tracey: She says we’re going to Paris

Prongs: Oh boy

Wormtail: I can’t believe Sirius is missing this drama

Mindy: That’s odd! I know she wanted to go on a trip, but not all of us can afford it, unfortunately

Prongs: Yeah Remus how pissed is Sirius rn

Moony: He’s been pouting since Lily kicked him

Wormtail: dude why is Sirius always at your house

Wormtail: you guys married or something

Prongs: They’re friends dickwad

Lily: Yeah dickwad

Prongs: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Wormtail: …

Mindy: RIP

Prongs: THAT’S MY FIANCE BESTHCEs

Tracey: Does anyone know how to turn off notifications?

Wormtail: everybody_hurts.mp3

Moony: I updated Sirius and now he’s just stomping around yelling about how Mindy is one of us.

Mindy: Dear god

Lily: Not yelling about me? :(

Tracey: Nvm I figured it out.

Lily: Oh so sorry Tracey! Do you still need help? I really do want to know if you have ideas! 

Lily: I’m so happy you’re going to be in the wedding!

Mindy: I think she turned off notifications, Lily

Wormtail: RIP

Wormtail: im sure lily appreciates you too shannon

_Lily named the group James and His Boys Alienate My Friends._

_Lily added Sirius Black to the group._

Sirius: OK THEN LILY

Sirius: NO FAITH AT ALL IN YOUR MANS BEST MAN HUH

Lily: Don’t make me remove you again

Sirius: ALL I WANTED WAS A PLACE

Sirius: A PLACE TO BOND WITH FRIENDS

Lily: Make your own group chat. It literally takes ten seconds

Sirius: A PLACE TO SHARE STORIES WITH THOSE I LOVE

Prongs: Lmao we already have a group chat

Wormtail: Sirius never checks it

Sirius: hey Mindy you’re in by the way. you want a nickname or anything

Mindy: No

Prongs: OooOoOOOOO

Mindy: The only reason I’m still here suffering is because I’m the maid of honor

Sirius: y must everyone wound me today

Wormtail: everybody_hurts.mp3

_Sirius Black set the nickname for Sirius Black to Sadfoot._

Sadfoot: so anyway we going to Hawaii?


	3. shots fired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there's a ~~ between two chats, that means they're happening right after one another. A few empty lines between chats means that some time has passed.

_Chat name: James and His Boys Alienate My Friends_

Mindy: Hey all, does anyone know how to get ahold of Sirius? I’ve been calling and texting for a day or so but he hasn’t answered. I need him for wedding planning stuff.

Prongs: Good question! I can try calling him

Mindy: Thanks!

Wormtail: he does this. He’ll just fall off the radar sometimes

Wormtail: hey @Sirius

Wormtail: paging @Sirius

Prongs: @Sirius hellooooo

Lily: Now that he’s driven most of my friends away this group chat is nothing to him, huh

Mindy: Sorry to bug everyone. I’m just trying to plan all this party stuff and it’s a lot

Wormtail: hey James thanks for not loving me enough to make me best man

Prongs: Anytime, Wormtail

Lily: Only way to get Sirius to answer for sure is to get Remus to ask

Prongs: Shots fired

Wormtail: WHERES THE LIE

Prongs: She’s an outsider and yet she sees to the core of us

Lily: An outsider huh?

Prongs: @Remus get in here

Moony: Hello, Mindy. Sirius has a job interview this afternoon, but I can ask him to contact you afterward.

Mindy: Great thanks!

Prongs: Lupin

Moony: Yes?

Prongs: Tag Sirius

Moony: …

Wormtail: oooooooooooo

Moony: I don’t know what you’re trying to prove. He’s literally at a job interview.

Prongs: Just do it ok

Moony: Okay…

Moony: @Sirius

Sadfoot: hey whats up

Wormtail: OMFG

Prongs: UNBELievable

Lily: You’re welcome, everyone

Sadfoot: I don’t have time to read back so idk whats going on but sounds like agood time

Wormtail: can u EVENe BLEIEVE

Moony: Sirius your interview?

Sadfoot: no worries it hasn’t started yet

Sadfoot: wish me luck!

Prongs: unfuckingbelievable

Mindy: Idk the backstory here but even I’m a little spooked

~~

_Private message_

Wolf boy: Good luck, babe.

Wolf boy: Also GET OFF YOUR PHONE 

Dog boy: fine 

Dog boy: but only cause im whipped for you

 

 

_Chat name: James and His Boys Alienate My Friends_

_Sadfoot named the group Hawaii Weekend Trip Planning_

Sadfoot: I heard lily was sad that I wasn’t invested enough in our group chat

Sadfoot: so im back bb

Lily: That’s definitely not what I said

Mindy: It was really ok when you weren’t checking this chat anymore

Mindy: We got to do things like…plan Lily and James’ stag party

Sadfoot: what do u think im here doin bb

Sadfoot: this is party planning

Sadfoot: cant wait for us to all go to Hawaii

Sadfoot: funded by the potter sleeekeazy family fortune

Prongs: How many times do I have to tell you the money is locked in an account. I don’t just have it all

Sadfoot: sugar daddy y u so mad :( do I not satisfy you

~~

_Private message_

Lily: Hey hon? Can we stop talking about money that came from James’ dead parents?

Sirius: oh shot

Sirius: shitshitshit im sorry

Lily: It’s ok

Sirius: no im sorry you’re right

Sirius: shit

Sirius: should I call him?

Lily: No it’s ok. He doesn’t seem upset or anything. It’s just not really a joke for him

Sirius: I know I know you’re right im sorry

Sirius: ‘m so use to disrespecting the house of black that I forget people care about their families

Lily: Haha ok. It’s really fine if you just drop it

Sirius: ok

Sirius: can I still call him sugar daddy

Lily: I think that’s between you and him

Sirius: bless you lily evans

~~

_Chat name: Hawaii Weekend Trip Planning_

Sadfoot: lol jk Hawaii sux

Sadfoot: and u don’t owe me anything daddy I do it for free

Sadfoot: so anyway who wants to hear some more bad job interview stories

Prongs: Haha me always

 

 

_Chat name: Hawaii Weekend Trip Planning_

Tracey: Hey I hope this is the right chat?

Tracey: Since the name changed?

Tracey: How much money are we supposed to chip in again?

Mindy: You’re in the right chat, Tracey! 20 sickles

Tracey: Ok great

Tracey: Also Saoirse just saw my phone and now she thinks we’re going to Hawaii

Mindy: Oh no

Mindy: We’re not going to Hawaii

Tracey: She’s really excited

Mindy: I didn’t even notice the new group name until now? Who changed it??

Lily: Three guesses who

Mindy: Tracey please tell Saoirse that we’re not going to Hawaii 

Lily: Remus please tell Sirius to eat a bag of dicks

Prongs: I’m so proud of my fiancé

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently the official word is that James' parents were still alive for his wedding? But for some reason I'd imagined him getting married after losing them, with that loss partly informing who he is, so I guess I'm content to be wrong about this.


	4. ART movie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A ~~ between two different chats means they're happening right after one another; empty lines between chats mean time has passed.

_Chat name: Hawaii Weekend Trip Planning_

Sadfoot: good morning children it’s a brand new day and nows the time we decide. Is this union blessed? Do we officially endorse it? Can we truly let james go? Besides 7th year when it was obvious she was into him how long do you think lily wanted that d? serious replies only

Sadfoot: oops wrong chat

Wormtail: omfg Sirius

Mindy: Um

Wormtail: you played yourself

Mindy: Definitely the wrong chat bb

Lily: @James come collect your man

Mindy: Hey Peter you want to be best man? You only need to run three errands today

Prongs: Sirius what chat were you even trying to post in??

Wormtail: nah I want Sirius to suffer

Prongs: Because I’m pretty sure I’m in all of them

Lily: I can’t decide if I should kick him before or after he tries to explain himself

Sadfoot: ok that was a mistake

Sadfoot: but fwiw I think she started craving that d at least in 5th year

_Lily Potter removed Sadfoot from the chat._

 

 

_Private message_

Sirius: Lily

Sirius: Lilllllyyyyyyy

_Sirius Black changed the nickname for Sirius Black to Lily’s salve._

_Lily’s salve changed the nickname for Lily’s salve to Lily’s slave._

Lily’s slave: Lilllyyyyyy @Lily can you please add me back to the group chat pleeeeease

Lily: What’s going on?

Lily’s slave: please just add me back its important

Lily: It better be

~~

_Chat name: Hawaii Weekend Trip Planning_

_Lily Evans added Sirius Black to the chat._

_Sirius Black changed the nickname for Sirius Black to Radfoot._

Radfoot: ok finally

Radfoot: folks u gotta help me

Prongs: Everything ok?

Radfoot: so remus dragged me to this movie right

Prongs: For crying out loud Sirius

Radfoot: its some freaking ART movie like it’s so so so long and boring and terrible

Lily: Sirius I trusted you

Radfoot: and then remus FELL ASLEEP

Radfoot: in the middle of his terrible art movie!!!1!

Radfoot: he paid 30 pounds for this an now hes deadass asleep in the theater

Wormtail: what kind of movie costs 30 pounds?

Radfoot: oh I mean for both of us

Prongs: Are you literally on a date?

Radfoot: no boys cant date each other silly

Radfoot: focus please

Radfoot: actually I guess you don’t need to focus just entertain me

Wormtail: lol

Radfoot: its so so terrible its just like endless long shots of some forest with like really slow music and occasionally people look at each other?

Radfoot: I think its about colonial America but I don’t even know

Radfoot: legit multiple people have walking out of the theater already

Wormtail: dang

Wormtail: that’s pretty bad

Lily: It’s rude to text during a movie, Sirius

Radfoot: get off my dick

Radfoot: sat in the back on purpose for text and make out

Wormtail: um

Prongs: Every day I am more and more confused

Radfoot: joOke

Radfoot: obviously

Radfoot: geez you guys really think about dating men a lot huh

Wormtail: it’s ok padfoot we know you’ll always love that pussy

Radfoot *pu$$y

Wormtail: *$$$$$$pu$$y$$$$$$$$

_Shannon left the group._

Lily: Sirius can you PLEASE stop ruining the group chat for my literal wedding??

Radfoot: whoops sorry shannon

Wormtail: lol another one down

Lily: I’m the BRIDE does no one respect that?

Mindy: I think I know what movie that is. I heard it’s good?

Radfoot: well its NOT

Mindy: Couldn’t you just like…browse the internet? Instead of bugging us?

Radfoot: I was asking for SUPPORT from my FRIENDS

Mindy: I’m not your friend

Wormtail: oooooOooooooOOOOoo

Prongs: Nice

Lily: Everyone bow to the maid of honor, the queen of the wedding

Radfoot: omgYES

Radfoot: he woke up!

Radfoot: the texting woke him up!

Radfoot: it’s a group chat miracle!

Radfoot: praise the group chat!

Prongs: I still can’t believe you’re literally on a date with Remus

Wormtail: come on james you don’t have to make it weird you know hes not

Radfoot: jealous james?

Prongs: No

Lily: Yes he is

Radfoot: don’t cry bb you’ll always be my number 1

~~

_Private message_

Wolf boy: That’s not what you said last night.

Dog boy: oOooOOoOOoOOOOsheeeeet

Dog boy: that was so good im not even mad

~~

_Chat name: Hawaii Weekend Trip Planning_

Prongs: At least you stopped calling me daddy

Radfoot: DON’T CRY DADDY

Wormtail: wow prongs rookie mistake

Radfoot: COME HERE DADDDDDYYY DON’T CRY

Lily: Yeah James, you did that to yourself

Radfoot: I’ll never stop calling you daddy bb

Prongs: What does that even mean

Mindy: I googled it and I’m right. This movie is critically acclaimed

Radfoot: idk what to tell you mindy it’s been an hour and a half and literally nothing has happened 

Radfoot: so so so much of the dialog is in voiceover 

Radfoot: I swear they just keep looking longingly at plants

Radfoot: did I say already that multiple people have walked out

Lily: You sure did

Radfoot: like this theater had like ten people in it to begin with that’s it and now it’s just rapidly dwindling

Lily: A lot like this group chat huh

Radfoot: it helps greatly though to feel the love and support from my friends

Radfoot: and my daddy

Prongs: I’m leaving this group chat and also this earth

~~

_Private message_

Dog boy: do you think james actually knows?

Dog boy: do you think im too obvious?

Wolf boy: You mean are you too obvious when you openly and unnecessarily talk about us constantly? PERHAPS.

Dog boy: stop texting during the movie you philistine

Dog boy: also if this last guy leaves can we make out

Wolf boy: Yes.

Dog boy: brb gonna ask him to leave

Wolf boy: noadk;;kj


	5. sextpocalypse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A ~~ between two different chats means they're happening right after one another; empty lines between chats mean time has passed.

_Chat name: Hawaii Weekend Trip Planning_

_Mindy added Tracey Greengrass and Shannon Buckle to the group._

Mindy: Hey @Tracey and @Shannon, do you mind looking over this google doc of our wedding weekend schedule and editing if necessary? I know you’ve been talking with Lily’s mom about the flowers and photography and everything, so there’s probably some details I don’t know. Thanks!

Mindy: I also need @Sirius and @Peter to get their lazy asses to the store to get their tux measurements sometime this century. Thanks!

Wormtail: mindy what is it like to always be suffering

Mindy: Rude

Radfoot: shh be nice bb mindy is one of us

Mindy: I’m really not

Mindy: I also need you two to actually RSVP. So figure out already if you’re bringing a date or not so you can fill it out ok

Radfoot: savage

Radfoot: im coming and bringing a plus one 

~~

_Private message_

Wolf boy: No, you’re not.

Dog boy: ummmmm I think I’m coming to james’ wedding

Wolf boy: You’re not bringing a plus one.

Dog boy: o

~~

_Chat name: Hawaii Weekend Trip Planning_

Mindy: I’m not writing this down. You have to mail your RSVP to Lily’s mom like everyone else

Wormtail: we’re wIZArds mindy we cant do mail

Radfoot: tru

Radfoot: also jkjk im not bringing anyone 

Radfoot: this blessed day is all about my boi james

Wormtail: lol im bringing someone for sure

Radfoot: wow good to know you don’t care at all about sweet baby james

Mindy: Just FYI if you don’t actually RSVP soon there will literally be no food for you

Wormtail: fine

Radfoot: yeah she makes a strong case there

~~

_Private message_

Dog boy: we’re agreed peter doesn’t actually have a date lined up yet right

Dog boy: also help me out how many times and where am I allowed to lick you on the wedding day

Dog boy: gonna have some extra energy if I can’t bring a plus one

Wolf boy: I’m not answering that.

Dog boy: yyyyyyyyyyy tho

Wolf boy: I’m working.

Dog boy: remusssssss yyyyyy

~~

_Chat name: Hawaii Weekend Trip Planning_

Prongs: Why am I not surprised that my best man hasn’t even RSVPed to my wedding

Radfoot: because you know that outward forms mean nothing to me

Radfoot: its only about the heart

Wormtail: gay

Moony: Feeling insecure today, Peter?

Mindy: Oh snap

Prongs: Dang Remus

Radfoot: damn babe what a comeback what sass what thrills make me wanna lick your ass u r so hot u set my dick on fire

Wormtail: wut

Radfoot: oops wrong chat

Wormtail: wutt

Prongs: what did I just read?

Wormtail: HOW TO ERASE

Wormtail: FROM BRAIN

Prongs: Was that real??

Lily: Holy heck why did I have to check the chat just now?

Mindy: Everything about this group chat is the worst experience of my life

Wormail: is Sirius sexting while group chatting?

Prongs: Why did it flow so well with this chat??

Radfoot: u got me

Radfoot: not james peter got the answer

Radfoot: sometimes during group chat I also sext

Radfoot: I sext a woman

Lily: I always knew you were a horny asshole, but I at least thought you were good at it

Prongs: Idk which possibility is worse. You thirsting for Remus or that being a real sext

Radfoot: welp one of them is true and it’s possibility number two it’s a real and bad sext

Wormtail: someone google how to erase memoires please

Wormtail: and share results because we all need the info

Prongs: I don’t even know what to say

Wormtail: Remus are you with Sirius can you look at his phone is he really sexting y/n

Moony: Why would he sext someone while hanging out with me?

Radfoot: yeah 

Radfoot: gross

Wormtail: good point

Wormtail: and on a related note

Wormtail: why would you sext WHIEL TALKING IN THE GROUP CHAT

Radfoot: I can send you some screenshots if you want 

Wormtail: oh nononono

Prongs: No thanks m8 we’re good

Lily: I will kick you from the chat

Radfoot: haha thought so

Radfoot: lads are just jealous. Gotta get yourself some

Wormtail: we’re literally planning james’ wedding

Shannon: Hey did someone need something from me?

Shannon: I guess I’ll just read back haha

Wormtail: uhoh

Lily: No Shannon please don’t!

_Shannon left the group._

Lily: Sirius I stg

Radfoot: hey you’re not the one being kink shamed

Radfoot: im the true victim here

_Lily named the group Sirius Alienates Everyone._

Mindy: This is like the group chat version of And Then There Were None

Lily: Except we all already know who the murderer is

Radfoot: im still here tho huh still going strong

Radfoot: group chat besties for life

Lily: No, I just wanted you to see my good burn

_Lily removed Radfoot from the group._

~~

_Private message_

Wolf boy: What’s it like to have no filter at all?

Dog boy: pretty good you should try it?

Wolf boy: Sirius Orion Black.

Dog boy: ahhhhhh I know im so so sosososos sorry seriously

Dog boy: it was an accident!

Dog boy: they updated the app and now its hard to tell which thing youre in if youre trying to type fast

Dog boy: wasn’t lying tho your comebacks do set my dick on fire

Wolf boy: Sirius.

Dog boy: yes?

Wolf boy: On a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you want to have sex with me ever again?

Dog boy: 500000

Dog boy: 5000,0,,00,0,0,00

Dog boy: infinite zeroes

Wolf boy: Then how about you PAY ATTENTION while texting.

Dog boy: yesbabe yes babe sorry

 

 

_Private message_

Doy boy: hey remus

Wolf boy: Yes?

Dog boy: you still mad?

Wolf boy: Maybe.

Dog boy: I know we said we shouldn’t tell anyone until after the wedding 

Dog boy: and I get why 

Dog boy: but I wish I could

Dog boy: you’re so rad and hot 

Dog boy: I wanna tell everyone about it

Dog boy: at work I keep having to stop myself in the middle when I want to tell a story about you

Wolf boy: You’re cute.

Wolf boy: But also, get your shit together.


	6. sextvestigation

_Peter Pettigrew created the group._

_Peter Pettigrew added James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Lily Evans to the group._

_Peter Pettigrew named the group Sextvestigation Squad._

_Peter Pettigrew set the nickname for Peter Pettigrew to Chief Inspector Wormtail._

_Peter Pettigrew set the nickname for James Potter to Asst. Inspector Prongs._

_Peter Pettigrew set the nickname for Remus Lupin to Lt. Inspector Moony._

_Peter Pettigrew set the nickname for Lily Evans to Mom._

Chief Inspector Wormtail: ok guys we need to get to the bottom of this

Asst. Inspector Prongs: Uh

Asst. Inspector Prongs: did I miss something?

Chief Inspector Wormtail: who is this girl Sirius is so into and why is he acting so sketchy about it

Asst. Inspector Prongs: I mean

Asst. Inspector Prongs: it’s probably just some girl

_Asst. Inspector Prongs set the nickname for Asst. Inspector Prongs to Ass Inspector Prongs._

Ass Inspector Prongs: why don’t you just ask Remus

Chief Inspector Wormtail: @Remus

Lt. Inspector Moony: Yes?

Chief Inspector Wormtail: who is this girl Sirius is so into and why is he acting so sketchy about it

Lt. Inspector Moony: Haha why would I know?

Lt. Inspector Moony: Why did you make this group?

Chief Inspector Wormtail: don’t you spend every waking moment together 

Lt. Inspector Moony: We do not.

Chief Inspector Wormtail: we need to investigate

Ass Inspector Prongs: y tho

Ass Inspector Prongs: Sirius has dated a million girls and it’s never been interesting

Lt. Inspector Moony: Agreed. It’s not at all interesting.

Chief Inspector Wormtail: that sext was insane! Like who on earth would be into that

Ass Inspector Prongs: eh for Sirius that was like saying hello

Lt. Inspector Moony: You sure thought it was a big deal at the time, James.

Ass Inspector Prongs: haha I mean. It was way way too much but also

Ass Inspector Prongs: I know him. whoever he was trying to text probably would’ve thought it was funny

Ass Inspector Prongs: at least that’s what I tell myself when I can’t sleep at night

Lt. Inspector Moony: Maybe he has a good reason for not talking about it. 

Chief Inspector Wormtail: OH youre right

Chief Inspector Wormtail: what if he’s dating a LeStrange

Chief Inspector Wormtail: or a muggle

Lt. Inspector Moony: Who cares?

Mom: Wow I’m part of the squad now huh

Chief Inspector Wormtail: it’s a very serious investigation Lily

Chief Inspector Wormtail: you guys are failing me I can’t be the only one who thought Sirius was acting sketchy

Mom: Ok I read back and Peter, honey

Mom: This is not a mystery that needs to be solved

Chief Inspector Wormtail: I hate you all

~~

_Private message_

Lily: Hey, you busy?

Mindy: No, what’s up?

Lily: Ok I’m just going to throw this out there

Lily: I know you didn’t hang out with James and co. at all in school

Lily: But just based on our recent interactions

Lily: I’m going to start a sentence, and I want you to complete it, with total honesty and based solely on your own intuition and what you personally believe to be true

Mindy: Haha ok?

Lily: Sirius Black likes…

Mindy: pissing us off

Lily: Sirius loves…

Mindy: attention

Lily: Sirius is in love with…

Mindy: OH

Mindy: The quiet one

Mindy: What’s his name. Remus

Lily: Sirius doesn’t want us to know…

Mindy: that he is legally married to the quiet one 

Lily: Sirius and Remus…

Mindy: are dating and/or married in real life for real

Lily: WOW thank you I feel less crazy now

Lily: It’s so, so obvious, right?

Mindy: It is extremely obvious

Lily: What is James’ brain even made of?

Mindy: Does he really not know?

Lily: I don’t think so??

Lily: I would ask, but I don’t want to start anything, since they both clearly don’t want anyone to know

Lily: Peter doesn’t know either, but that’s less surprising to me

Mindy: Peter seems more…how should I put this

Lily: A raging homophobe

Mindy: Yuppp

Lily: Remus practically called him out on it that one time

Mindy: Yes that was impressive

Mindy: James isn’t, right?

Lily: A homophobe?

Mindy: Yeah

Lily: He better not be

Mindy: Haha

Lily: I should feel it out. Maybe there’ll be a chance to talk to Sirius about it at some point. I don’t know where he’s at on it

Mindy: It would be hard. I don’t blame them for keeping it secret

Lily: Me neither

Lily: Boyoooooo they’re so gross in love though

Mindy: You should do one of those dramatic things at the ceremony where you say you can’t go through with it and then you call them up to the altar to get married instead

Lily: I should

Mindy: And then you and James go get married somewhere cooler. Like the Bahamas or whatever

Lily: Our only witness will be Saoirse

Lily: Because she just got paid

Mindy: Hahahahha what a legend

Lily: Hey remember when Sirius said he wanted to lick? Remus’ ass??

Mindy: NOPE sure don’t

Lily: Remember when we had to read that with our eyes and brains

Mindy: I gotta go now actually

Lily: Nono talk to me I finally have someone to help me process this trauma

Mindy: BYE


	7. sextvestigation pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A ~~ between chats means they're happening right after one another; a few empty lines between chats means time has passed.

_Chat name: Sirius Alienates Everyone_

Wormtail: hey Lily can you add Sirius back?

Wormtail: mindy gave me some wedding business to take care of

Wormtail: @Lily lilllyyyy

Lily: Ok Peter, chill

_Lily Evans added Sirius Black to the chat._

Wormtail: ok lads

Wormtail: it’s fridaaaaaaayyyyy

Wormtail: wut r we doing this weekend?

Prongs: Top ten anime betrayals

Lily: I’m not even mad anymore. I’m just numb

Wormtail: wut we doooing

Lily: I will be prepping for my upcoming wedding

Lily: Maybe you didn’t hear? I’m getting married soon

Wormtail: great lads what are we doing

Lily: If you want to talk to the boys literally USE YOUR OWN GROUP CHAT

_Sirius Black changed the nickname for Sirius Black to Padfoot._

Prongs: Out of ideas?

Padfoot: im just so tired

Padfoot: life is but a swift shadow

Padfoot: but yeah im free tonight whats up

Prongs: Me too

Lily: No you’re not

Prongs: :(

Wormtail: damn

Lily: Actually I’m going out with Mindy tonight. You can do whatever

Padfoot: lolllllll

Padfoot: remus is free too lets hang out

Wormtail: yessssssssss

Wormtail: wut we doin?

Padfoot: who cares well figure it out when we get together

Padfoot: meet at james’ at 7

Prongs: Way to volunteer my house

Prongs: But also yeah let’s do that

Padfoot: im good at cooking now ill bring something to make

Wormtail: don’t want to go out?

Padfoot: nah im a cooking prodigy 

Padfoot: also I am a poor

Moony: What he means is he spent too much money clubbing last weekend.

Wormtail: ooOOoOOoooooo

Wormtail: man I wanna go clubbing what the heck

Wormtail: take me clubbing instead of remus

Moony: Why would you assume he took me clubbing?

Padfoot: I usually fly solo bb

Padfoot: get more dick that way

Padfoot: *chicks

Prongs: I’m

Prongs: I don’t even know anymore

Wormtail: why are u like this

Padfoot: don’t give up on me daddy ill make you proud

Padfoot: also wormkid my son im cooking you romantic dinner instead of going out so get over it ok

Moony: Sorry in advance about your kitchen, James.

 

 

_Chat name: Sextvestigation Squad_

Chief Inspector Wormtail: well well well well

Chief Inspector Wormtail: WELL WELL WELL WELL

Chief Inspector Wormtail: you all doubted me 

Chief Inspector Wormtail: you had no faith at all

Lt. Inspector Moony: Hmm?

Ass Inspector Prongs: I forgot this chat existed

Chief Inspector Wormtail: but now I shall DELIVER

Ass Inspector Prongs: It needs to no longer exist

Lt. Inspector Moony: Agreed.

Chief Inspector Wormtail: that’s right I have RETURNED with CLUES AND BOUNTY

Mom: Please Peter let this chat die a merciful death 

Lt. Inspector Moony: Uh. Clues about what?

Chief Inspector Wormtail: im glad you asked moonster because AT LAST part of the mystery of Sirius will be REVEALED

Mom: Literally no one wants to know

Ass Inspector Prongs: Ok I’m a liiiiiiittle curious about what he knows

Chief Inspector Wormtail: THANK you James

Chief Inspector Wormtail: this is too good im taking it to the bigger chat

Chief Inspector Wormtail: just wanted to give my devoted investigators a special preview

Mom: Your what?

Chief Inspector Wormtail: because last night

Chief Inspector Wormtail: I spent some quality time with Sirius phone

Lt. Inspector Moony: Uh, Peter?

~~

_Chat name: Sirius Alienates Everyone_

Wormtail: ggood mooOOOOOOOrning besheees

Wormtail: I come to you at last

Wormtail: with dirt on Sirius

Wormtail: you’re WEELCOME

Mindy: I’m going to optimistically pretend that you’re posting in the wrong chat

Wormtail: noooOOOOPE 

Wormtail: ok so I stole Sirius phone when we were all hanging out last night

~~

_Private message_

Wolf boy: Are you reading the group chat?

Dog boy: lol no

Dog boy: y

Dog boy: oh shit

Dog boy: shotshoitshit

~~

_Chat name: Sirius Alienates Everyone_

Padfoot: here there buddy what’s going on

Padfoot: also do you enjoy keeping your friends and not incurring their wrath beause you really reall should

Wormtail: and after inspecting his phone

Wormtail: youll never believe

Prongs: Peter just tell us or don’t

Wormtail: YOULL NEVER BELIEVE

Padfoot: wormkid I know your address and every illegal thing you have ever done

Wormtail: ok so basically

Wormtail: I couldnt get the phone unlocked

Padfoot: ffs 

Padfoot: you child

Wormtail: but his lockscreen

Wormtail: is THIS

Wormtail: except Sirius version has hEARTS drawn around the wolf thing

Prongs: …ok?

Padfoot: its true I do love Halloween puppets

Moony: He loves Halloween.

Wormtail: you may think. An INNOCENT picture

Wormtail: just some hot girl right

Wormtail: sice we all know how much isiurs loves that pussy

Lily: I fail to see how any of this is interesting

Lily: Also if you say pussy one more time I’m kicking you out of my wedding

Wormtail: BUT

Wormtail: this isn’t any normal picture

Wormtail: oh nonono

Prongs: This is a whole lotta talk for your dirt literally just being the man’s public lockscreen

Wormtail: I did a DEEP DIVE

Wormtail: I considered the IMPLICATIOSN

Wormtail: I did a google

Prongs: Very impressive

Wormtail: including a reverse image search you pleb

Wormtail: and the thing is

Wormtail: its not just a Halloween chick

Wormtail: its…..

Wormtail: a promotional picture from a Korean girl group

Wormtail: for their latest single

Wormtail: that’s right folks

Wormtail: Sirius. Loves. Kpop.

Moony: …

Prongs: Wait is that really it

Prongs: that’s the reveal?

Padfoot: wow you got me there

Padfoot: exPOSEd

Wormtail: so embarrassing right??

Mindy: Not gonna lie I was a little excited and this is a huge letdown

Padfoot: you really saw into the core of me

Lily: I thought all the Sirius moments were the worst chat moments, but this is a new low

Wormtail: we all believed that Sirius was cool but he loves kpop! Come on guys 

Moony: Boy is Kpop embarrassing.

Wormtail: thank you moonster

Padfoot: the song is called Really Bad Boy its actually kind of a bop

Wormtail: yeah I know I listened to it for research it was pretty good

Moony: Peter, not you too. 

Moony: Sirius listens to it nonstop. To the point that it’s worrisome.

Wormtail: well anyway that’s all I got youre welcome

_Lily Evans named the group No one thanked you, Peter._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Red Velvet's Really Bad Boy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWJUPY-2EIM) is canonically about Remus Lupin. I don't make the rules ok I'm just here telling the truth.


	8. lily you are dynamite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A ~~ between chats means they're happening right after one another; a few empty lines between chats means time has passed.

_Chat name: No one thanked you, Peter_

Lily: Hey is anyone on here?

Lily: I kind of need some help

Moony: You okay, Lily?

Lily: Yeah yeah I’m fine at the moment. Just can’t get ahold of anyone I guess everyone is asleep?

Moony: What’s going on?

Lily: Its kind of a long story ha

Moony: I have time.

Lily: So I went to pick up my dress tonight in London, and my sister was maybe going to come with me, and then at the last minute she was like jk I can’t support this wedding. Like great tell me something I didn’t already know? So I was already mad, and then my dress was supposed to have the alterations done and be ready, and then it wasn’t done? And I really really need it to be done like yesterday. And I already paid and it’s way too late to take it somewhere else. And the lady kept telling me it was my fault and I had given her the wrong date? Even though I didn’t? I’m pretty sure? But what if I did?? So I felt like crap, and then I overheard her saying, this is what happens when people get married too young. Like great thank you for your contribution. So I wanted to take my dress and leave but then but she offered me a deal for her to rush the alterations. And she was so condescending about it and its more money but I didn’t know where else to take the dress this short notice so I just agreed? And now I have to figure out where in the budget that’s coming out of?

Lily: And then I was so mad and Petunia and I were originally going to get some dinner so I figured I’d just get some alone, and it was a little late and I ended up at some bar and the kitchen was already closed but I was mad so I ordered a few drinks anyway

Lily: And now I’m a liiiiiiittle tipsy and lost and it’s kind of sketchy out there and don’t think it would be a good idea to try to apparate home

Lily: And NO ONE is answering their phones like NO ONE

Moony: I’m so sorry that happened, Lily.

Lily: Sorry I don’t know why I let it gte to me

Moony: You don’t need to go home alone, especially if you don’t feel sober enough.

Lily: Thanks Remus

Lily: I’m seriously sorry to bug you this is so dumb

Lily: I should’ve just gone straight home

Moony: I have a midnight deadline I have to meet, but I can come right after. Did you try @Sirius? He’s usually up late. Either way if you feel safe there please stay put.

Padfoot: hey whats up

Lily: Wow that’s still spooky

Moony: Read back.

Padfoot: k

Lily: I can’t even get Sirius to go in for his tux measureements and you get him to do everything immediately

Padfoot: lily you are dynamite 

Padfoot: whether or not you gave the right date that alterations person can eat a bag of dicks

Lily: Hahah thanks Sirius

Padfoot: also your sister she can also eat a bag of dicks too

Moony: You don’t need to be a jerk about Lily’s sister.

Lily: No its fine she kind of sucks

Lily: I mean she doesn’t but aslo she does

Lily: Stupid that I thought she’d suddenly change her mind about magic being an abomination or whatever

Padfoot: what bar are you at?

Lily: I don’t remember?? Holdon let me look at the drink menu

Lily: Something something Fleetfoot Tavern?

Lily: The lighting in here is so bad sorry

Lily: Theres a little scroll above the main name but I cant read it

Moony: I’ll google it. Hold on.

Padfoot: relax children I know the bar

Padfoot: I can be there in five

Lily: It’s a muggle area so you can’t apparate anywhere nearby

Padfoot: lol I know 

Moony: Keep us updated, Sirius.

Lily: Thanks boyooo

Lily: I’ll be here

Lily: Lookin real real dumb

Padfoot: apparated to the closest place in diagon alley, but it’ll still take a few minutes to walk there

Lily: Coolcoolcool

Lily: Am I getting married to yooung? Am I a bad roll model for young feminists?

Lily: *role modle

Padfoot: I mean idk anything about feminism but you’re rad so you’re probably doing it right

Moony: There’s no one right way to be a feminist.

Lily: Ty

Moony: You’re getting married because you want to. You have a loving relationship of mutual trust, and I think openly celebrating it is a courageous choice that not everyone can make. 

Lily: Tyty both

Lily: Your’e sweet

Lily: But also “idk anything about feminism” is not cute

Moony: Agreed.

Lily: Like its not that complicated its literally just equality

Lily: I say as I ask you come to rescue me from a bar

Padfoot: eh you rescued me from that toilet mcclaggen enchanted to eat my head

Lily: Tru

Lily: Honestly fuck McClaggen

Padfoot: right???

Padfoot: no one else hates mcclaggen enough

Lily: Are you just casually texting while walking in a sketchy area alone at night? Without assuming youll be kidnappd?

Lily: I wanna be a man just for ten seconds seriously

Padfoot: lol look up mom im here

Padfoot: ok babe we’re headed back

Moony: Let me know when she’s home.

Padfoot: I will

 

 

_Private message_

Wolf boy: You called me babe. You’re probably going to have to fill up the group chat with nonsense so people don’t scroll back.

Dog boy: eh its fine. James and I talk like that too

Dog boy: when I say it to james though I don’t mean xxxhotttttxxxxxxxxxbabeeee ofc

Wolf boy: What is that even supposed to mean?

Dog boy: just dropped lily off. I thought there was some practical reason her sister wasn’t part of anything but I guess its legit because shes prejudiced against…magic? Wild

Dog boy: lily doesn’t deserve this bullshit. Everyone should just cut their families off at like 15 so they can live a better life

Wolf boy: That’s not a universal truth.

Dog boy: if you say so

Wolf boy: You’re right, though, that Lily doesn’t deserve it.

Dog boy: yeah

Wolf boy: I want to say thank you for getting Lily, and that it was really good of you and also really you of you, but obviously I don’t know how to say it right.

Dog boy: im coming over just say it with your hands ;)

Wolf boy: Gross.

Wolf boy: Can you wait until after midnight? I really do have to meet that deadline.

Dog boy: its fine you wont even notice me

Wolf boy: That’s…unlikely.

Dog boy: ill be a mouse. A very sexy mouse

Wolf boy: Somehow that’s not reassuring.

Dog boy: here

Wolf boy: Coming.


	9. poet of the people

_Chat name: No one thanked you, Peter_

Padfoot: hey mindy can you look over this email for the cranky historic house guy to make sure all the info’s right?

Mindy: Yeah, no problem

Padfoot: imma just copypaste it hold on

Padfoot: Hello Mr. Finney, 

Thank you for your feedback. We will ensure that the guests do not touch the wallpaper or hide used gum anywhere or smoke in the bathroom or set anything of historical importance on fire. 

We have also finalized the schedule as follows:   
7am: I arrive to meet you with the final payment and again receive a detailed rundown of the house’s rules and standards  
7:30am: The bride and bridesmaids arrive and start getting ready in the east bathrooms  
8:00am: The groom and other groomsmen arrive and start getting ready in the west bathrooms  
8:15am: The maid of honor and I decorate the Rose Room, taking special care not to touch anything of historical importance, including the wallpaper  
8:30am: The photographer arrives. I greet her, escort her to the Rose Room, make sure she does not photograph any copyrighted material, and make sure her lighting and other equipment do not spark any fires  
9:30am: Ceremony begins  
10:45am: Wedding party and all guests have left the premises, with the understanding that if we have not left by this time, there will be an extra charge. I meet you again, and we ascertain that nothing has been damaged or burned to the ground

Please let me know if this schedule will suffice.

Regards,  
Sirius Black

Moony: Look at you Sirius, putting together an honest to god real English paragraph.

Wormtail: oooooooooooo

Prongs: Remus from out of nowhere

Mindy: Boy Sirius that sass though

Padfoot: too much?

Mindy: Honestly I get the impression with this guy that if you don’t repeat back verbatim to him what he wants to hear it’s a whole other email round

Padfoot: yes that

Moony: I appreciate the implication that we may set some things on fire, but nothing of historical importance.

Padfoot: moony gets it

Lily: The women getting there early plan was my mom’s thing, but we’re not actually doing it. We’re all the just going to get there at 8

Padfoot: ok ill edit that

Lily: Except you of course who will get to spend quality time at the crack of dawn with the world’s most particular historical preservationist 

Prongs: Yeah seriously thanks for your sacrifice son

Padfoot: no problem jimjam

Lily: I’d say you’re getting there at 7:30 though, if we all aren’t coming until 8

Padfoot: ok any other edits

Mindy: Minus the sass levels, it looks good to me

Lily: Nope, looks good

Padfoot: cool ill send it along

~~

_Private message_

Dog boy: what do my missspellings turn u off babey

Wolf boy: I mean, yes.

Dog boy: noooo babeyyy

Dog boy: wat you want from meeee

Wolf boy: A modicum of effort?

Dog boy: jkjk you like it

Wolf boy: Oh really.

Dog boy: he thought he wanted a high class lover

Dog boy: a refined prince of words

Wolf boy: Huh

Dog boy: but instead he found himself with a self-taught poet someone hed never even imagined in his wildest dreams

Wolf boy: Um

Dog boy: a boy from the other side with a skateboard and a dream

Dog boy: a boy who learned grammer in the school of HARD KNOCKS

Wolf boy: You had the wealthiest childhood of anyone I know.

Dog boy: he doesnt have highfalutin techniques oh no no

Dog boy: but for him writing is easy you just take out your pen and bleed your heart onto the paper 

Wolf boy: You literally had your own private tutor.

Dog boy: he radiates found poetry every mistake only adding to his art the imperfections creating a special kind of beaiouty

Wolf boy: Do you go back and purposely misspell things after autocorrect fixes them?

Dog boy: and now the nerd boy knows hes ruined for those ponce boys, with their flourishesof speech and their rhetoric appeals

Dog boy: he can never go back

Dog boy: now the only thing that can satisfy him is the grittty realness of true speech the unrehearsed flowering of beauty that comes from lack

Wolf boy: This is the most effort you’ve ever put into writing something for me.

Dog boy: because poetry isn’t something you MAKE. Its something you ARE.

Wolf boy: Much better than that Valentine’s card that just said “suck my dick.”

Dog boy: ah yes my finest work

Dog boy: you cant put limits on my art im a poet of the people bb

Wolf boy: Private. Tutor.


	10. blood moon eclipse party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A ~~ between chats means they're happening right after one another; a few empty lines between chats means time has passed.

Wednesday

_Chat name: No one thanked you, Peter_

Mindy: Hey boys

Prongs: Hey

Padfoot: whats up

Wormtail: heygirlhey

Mindy: I’m inviting you to my blood moon eclipse party this Friday night at 8. Nominally for the eclipse but mostly just snacks and drinking

Prongs: Cool!

Wormtail: its finally happened she loves us

Mindy: To be clear, I’m inviting you mostly to have more people there

Prongs: Can we bring Mario Kart?

Mindy: Actually, yeah, that would be great

Moony: Unfortunately, Mindy, I think I’m coming down with something. My regrets.

Mindy: No worries

Tracey: Wow

Mindy: Tracey, I forgot you were still in here!

Padfoot: tracey back from the dead

Wormtail: yeah srsly whats is like beyond the grave

Tracey: Haha I lurk sometimes

Tracey: It can get pretty funny

Padfoot: tracey our secret fan

Tracey: Also “just to have more people there” my ass your apartment is tiny and you didn’t even invite me

Prongs: Damn

Mindy: I was about to text you!

Tracey: Sure

Wormtail: secrets revealed lies exposed

Padfoot: the chat truly is a sacred place

Wormtail: mindy finally loves us she cant deny it anymore

Padfoot: shes is truly one of us I thought we’d never see the day

Padfoot: of course mindy we, your favorite friends, will come to your party

Mindy: You’re uninvited 

Prongs: I’ll get the address from Lily. See you Friday at 8!

Wormtail: same

Padfoot: what daddy said

~~

_Private message_

Dog boy: you ok?

Dog boy: you being so formal every sentence gonna have two periods at the end

Wolf boy: Ha

Wolf boy: I’m just feeling off. I know the eclipse is supposed to be easier, but it really doesn’t feel that way.

Dog boy: we decided less moonlight is good right?

Wolf boy: That’s what all the literature is saying.

Dog boy: I shouldn’t have said id go to that party tomorrow

Wolf boy: No, don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine.

Dog boy: keep me updated ok

Wolf boy: Okay.

Dog boy: *Okay..

Wolf boy: Ha

Dog boy: *Forsooth..

 

 

Friday afternoon

_Private message_

Wolf boy: Sirius

Wolf boy: Um.

Dog boy: whats up you ok?

Wolf boy: Not good

Wolf boy: It’s coming too fast

Dog boy: shit its afternoon?

Wolf boy: I know I don’t know the eclipse or seomthing..

Dog boy: babe just go lock yourself in the basement I’ll be there as soon as I can

Wolf boy: I went to the grocery sture

Wolf boy: Dumb righ t?

Dog boy: shit ok

Wolf boy: I went out back to avoid people Im by the dumpsters whch is probably emblematic of something

Dog boy: the store close to your place?

Wolf boy: Yeah..

Dog boy: don’t move ok don’t move just think about calm things Ill be right there

Wolf boy: Okay.

Wolf boy: I want to rip straight through something

Wolf boy: The dumpster broke

~~

_Private message_

Daddy’s boi: james fur problem its urgent

Jimjam: Huh? It’s like 2pm

Daddy’s boi: idk I think the eclipse is wacking him out he needs us

_Daddy’s boi started sharing location with Jimjam._

Jimjam: I’ll be there

 

 

Friday night

_Chat name: Marauders_

Rat: you guys gonna be here soon?

Rat: partys kind of awkward without you

Rat: hellooooo

 

 

Saturday morning

_Chat name: Marauders_

Stag: Hey Peter I’m sorry

Stag: Lily told you, right?

Stag: We wanted to go but we had a fur emergency

Dog: furmergency

Rat: hey

Rat: no big I guess

Rat: didn’t at all need me to help?

Rat: like I could’ve helped

Dog: hes been rampaging through the forest all night and all day but if you wanna come ride on his back or something you’re welcme to

~~

_Private message_

Jimjam: Don’t be an asshole

Jimjam: Not his fault his animal is small

Daddy’s boi: sorry

Daddy’s boi: im so freaking tired

~~

_Chat name: Marauders_

Rat: wow ok

Dog: missed you ofc

Dog: seriously there just wasn’t enough time. It was zero to super saiyan in sixty seconds

Dog: James is already stag mode body checking him again

Rat: he isn’t asleep yet?

Dog: fuc I wish

Dog: the eclipse supercharged him somehow

Rat: well let me know if you need anything

Dog: im starving we need like 100 hamburgers

Rat: haha that’s kind of expensive

Rat: tbh im super hungover 

Rat: like my head is killing me 

Rat: you could give me a location and I could order a pizza or something?

Dog: you want a delivery driver to be mauled and devoured

Dog: also one single pizza is that a joke

Rat: I mean just apparate somewhere

Dog: hes like uprooting trees I cant just leave him

Rat: well let me know if you change your mind im happy to help

~~

_Private message_

Lily’s slave: Lilly

Lily’s slave: Lilllllyyyyyyyy

Lily’s slave: mooooom helloooooo

~~

_Private message_

Sirius: mindyyyyy

Jesminder: Yes?

Sirius: YES ok are you with lily

Jesminder: Yeah

Sirius: ask if shell bring like 100 hamburgers to the woods

Sirius: its important

Jesminder: I’m not going to ask her that

Sirius: im not dicking around I swear

Sirius: shell get it

Jesminder: She’s busy doing the tasting with the bakery

Sirius: mindy youre my only hope 

Jesminder: Boy who cried wolf much?

Sirius: please please just ask her shell know

Jesminder: I swear if you’re messing with me

Jesminder: She says yes

Jesminder: She says share your location 

Sirius: YES THANK YOU MINDY

_Sirius Black started sharing location with Jesminder Sharma._

Jesminder: I swear I understand you all less every day

_Sirius Black changed the nickname for Sirius Black to Boy who cried wolf._

Boy who cried wolf: oop also sorry about last night

Jesminder: I mean

Jesminder: James apologized through Lily, but you could’ve at least sent some unreadable text

Boy who cried wolf: I know im sorryyy it was a real emergency I swear

Jesminder: Peter got super wasted and asked every woman there if they would be his wedding date

Jesminder: Including me

Boy who cried wolf: yowza

Boy who cried wolf: the worst timeline

Jesminder: It really was

Boy who cried wolf: we’ll make it up to you I swear

Boy who cried wolf: youre one of us now

Jesminder: I’m going to go eat free cupcakes

 

 

_Private message_

Lily’s slave: these are so freaking good lily

Lily’s slave: and you brought enough for the wolf kid to think hes being a badass stealing them from us god bless you

Lily’s slave: hes actually settled down now munching

Lily’s slave: its almost cute

Lily: Haha no problem

Lily’s slave: youre a god among humans I swear as soon as this hell weekend is over and my boy is back ill google feminism in your honor

Lily: I’ll be back later with more. Take care of James too, ok? 

Lily’s slave: always

 

 

Sunday night

_Private message_

Wolf boy: I know this whole weekend was a wreck and Lily says you’re off getting some rest so please don’t answer.

Wolf boy: But holy hell Sirius

Wolf boy: James says you got fired for leaving work on Friday.

Wolf boy: I don’t even know what to say. I’m so, so sorry.

Dog boy: lol between the love of my life and a file clerk job it was a pretty easy choice

Wolf boy: The what??

Dog boy: im asleep don’t bug me


	11. mindyfest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A ~~ between chats means they're happening right after one another; a few empty lines between chats means time has passed.

Thursday

_Chat name: Marauders_

Dog: ok booooois we have a new mission

Dog: now that were rested up theres some things we gotta fix bridges to rebuild wounds we gotta heal

Dog: so im thinking we could do something nice for mindy

Rat: lol I thought you meant me

Dog: didn’t you get my sorry pizza 

Rat: yeah that was kind of passive aggressive

Dog: I don’t do passive aggressive bb im either aggressive aggressive or cuddling

Stag: That’s true

Dog: the sorry pizza was a fresh hot love offering straight to your door

Rat: fine

Dog: so does anything know anything about what mindy likes

Dog: all I know is she doesn’t like us and seems to appreciate the idea of Mario kart

Wolf: Why don’t you ask Lily for ideas so you can do something she’ll definitely appreciate?

Rat: do a Mario kart party

Dog: perfect idea wormkid

Dog: jimjam Mario kart party at your house this Saturday 

Rat: lol

Stag: Hold on lemmie talk to Lily

Dog: ill text mindy

Wolf: Or Sirius, alternatively, maybe you could wait until James tells you if he can even host?

Dog: rude

 

 

_Chat name: No one thanked you, Peter_

Padfoot: hey mindy are you free this Saturday

Mindy: I’ll be running wedding errands with Lily that morning, but otherwise I should be free

Padfoot: great

Padfoot: everyone, you’re invited to Mindy’s Mario Kart Party, this Saturday at 7 at James’ house. We will play Mario kart and honor mindy in all things. There will be a main course of some kind but please bring drinks and a deep appreciation for mindy

Mindy: What

Wormtail: I cant think of any more fitting way to honor mindy honestly

Mindy: I did not ask for this

Wormtail: sign me up for mindyfest

Mindy: I don’t understand why Mario Kart is featured?

Mindy: Or why anything, really

Padfoot: it’ll be super fun you’ll love it

Moony: The execution is poor, Mindy, but the intent is to make up for missing your Eclipse Party.

Prongs: I like both Mario Kart and Mindy, so it sounds like a winner to me

Lily: Bring snacks as well, please!

Mindy: I can bring chips and a healthy dose of skepticism

Padfoot: classic mindy

Mindy: What does that even mean?

Padfoot: everyone come please itll be super fun!!

 

 

Friday

_Private message_

Dog boy: did u know remus

Dog boy: sometimes I lay on my bad, sad music playing softly, rain on the windowpanes

Dog boy: and I stare up forlornly at the ceiling and wonder

Dog boy: will remus ever sext me?

Wolf boy: …

Dog boy: I know im the poet in residence here but I cant even imagine how good a remus sext would be like my dick would explode

Wolf boy: I’m trying to translate a legal document from goblin.

Dog boy: if ur boyfriend wont miss a work deadline to sext you then does he even love you at all

Wolf boy: There are ten different verb tenses to sort through.

Dog boy: cool ill just be listening to song request over and over

Dog boy: maybe later ill cry in the shower

Wolf boy: Song Request instead of Really Bad Boy?

Dog boy: its my only way to process my feelings of sadness and abandonment

Dog boy: maybe afterward ill turn into a dog and rummage through the neighborhood trash in the rain

Dog boy: sadly eating soggy chips and howling at the moon

Dog boy: an impotent howl that only further shows the gulf between me and my wolf brethren

Wolf boy: Very dramatic.

Wolf boy: I have to go conjugate now.

 

 

Saturday

_Chat name: No one thanked you, Peter_

Padfoot: mindyfest kicks off soon! Main course will be chili. Main light source will be mindy’s radiance

Mindy: I’m not going to respond to that

Wormtail: ill be there soon!

Tracey: Haha what is Mindy Fest? 

Padfoot: well well well im glad you asked

Padfoot: it all started with a broken promise

Lily: Ignore him. I’ll text you

Tracey: Hahha ok

 

 

_Private message_

Mindy: Hey, are you going to tell me what kind of chips?

Lily: Sorry, I got super distracted

Lily: James was asking for Sirius’ switch account name so they can be video game buddies or whatever

Lily: His account name is 

Lily: Wait for it

Lily: siriuslupin

Lily: Just like that. One word.

Mindy: Is it a joint account?

Lily: NO

Lily: And James does not BLINK at this

Lily: Sirius is all “haha my name was taken” and James is all “haha I’m oblivious”

Mindy: Do you think Remus’ account is remusblack

Lily: :O

Lily: I don’t know, but I want to. Or maybe I don’t?

Mindy: Not to be annoying, but I’m literally standing in the chip aisle

Lily: Sorry! I think the consensus is anything cheddar

Mindy: Got it

Lily: Also I’m hearing in this conversation that a normal account name Sirius uses is siriuspotter

Lily: And this does not surprise me at all

Lily: Is that weird? Is this what it’s like to be James and find it not at all weird?

Mindy: Didn’t the Potters kind of adopt him?

Lily: Good point

Lily: The Lupins sure as hell didn’t though

 

 

_Private message_

Dog boy: moony

Dog boy: mooooooonyyyyyy

Wolf boy: Yes?

Dog boy: come to the partyyy

Wolf boy: I’m just finishing up as much as I can. I have that deadline tonight.

Dog boy: that company barely even pays you on time

Wolf boy: I still need to honor our contract.

Dog boy: what do you think they’re going to do with a translation on a Saturday night

Dog boy: remusssss

Dog boy: youre the fun one. What are we supposed to do without the fun one

Wolf boy: That is ludicrously untrue.

Dog boy: I will appear in your bedroom and sidealong apparate you here

Wolf boy: Just give me an hour.

Dog boy: im not joking im setting a timer I will appear in your bedroom in an hour if youre not here

Dog boy: man I wish Id said that in a sexier context

 

 

_Private message_

Wolf boy: I’m sorry, Sirius—I don’t think it’s gonna happen. I just have too much to get through. Last weekend really threw me for a loop.

Dog boy: ok

Wolf boy: That’s it?

Dog boy: ?

Wolf boy: It worries me when you’re laconic.

Dog boy: im losing at Mario kart no one likes the great music videos I share my werewolf boyfriend is too responsible and everything sucks

Wolf boy: I’m sorry. I’ll make it up somehow.

Dog boy: ok

 

 

_Chat name: No one thanked you, Peter_

Mindy: Alright fine, I’ll admit that was fun. Thanks, all

Tracey: It was! Competition got a little heated though, ha

Prongs: Yeah, thanks for coming guys!

Wormtail: I can’t believe there wasn’t a prize. For once I win and theres no prize

Padfoot: prize was free dinner and us not kicking you out of the tournament for screen hacking

Wormtail: screen hacking is not a thing

Wormtail: if you want to look at someone elses screen while you drive and risk falling off the track that’s your call

Wormtail: it has a risk/reward balance

Padfoot: so ive heard

Prongs: Yeah, I’m with Peter on this one

Lily: We already heard this debate like seven times tonight, boys

Padfoot: how come peter can screen hack to win but I cant knock him off the couch to win

Prongs: Because you’re older than ten?

Wormtail: looking at screens is within the game. Physical violence is outside of game foul play

Padfoot: whole game is just your screen. Rest of our screens are outside of your game

Padfoot: do you think toad knows what bowser is doing at all times

Padfoot: youre playing from the perspective of toad not from an all seeing eye

Wormtail: what do you think the little model of the track is you think toad has an innate sense of where everyone is on the track at all times

Padfoot: it’s the extra information the game provides you so that you don’t have to screen hack

Padfoot: also maybe toad does have that innate sense you don’t know toad

Padfoot: hes a sentient fungus person in a vest we have no idea what hes capable of

Wormtail: youre just still pissed that moony couldn’t come

Padfoot: nope wrong

Padfoot: I am pissed that he COULD come but CHOSE not to because he loves soulless corporations that exploit freelancers more than he loves his friends

Padfoot: more than he loves MINDY the reason for the season

Prongs: Why don’t you just text Moony instead of yelling at us about Mario Kart

Padfoot: hes too busy haven’t you heard

Mindy: You know what the best part of every day is?

Mindy: The part when it gets late enough that my phone automatically turns off notifications

 

 

_Private message_

Wolf boy: I just submitted it finally. Barely made it on time.

Dog boy: ok

Wolf boy: Just okay?

Dog boy: rad I guess

Wolf boy: I get the subtle impression that you’re still upset.

Dog boy: im good all I need in this life is ice cream and the soothing sounds of Lee Sora

Wolf boy: That song again, huh?

Dog boy: emptied my fridge for the chili now all I have is loneliness

Dog boy: who needs nutrients or boyfriend when you can just be a trash dog

Dog boy: Lee Sora is too optimistic the dj will never play me a song to make me smile

Wolf boy: Look.

Dog boy: finished my ice cream now all I have is an empty container

Wolf boy: Solely to make up for missing the party and to stop you from going feral, I promise I will one day send you something resembling a sext.

Dog boy: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wolf boy: I did not say multiple. Just one.

Dog boy: even one would be riches enough for a lifetime

Dog boy: I would frame it on my wall it would be art

Wolf boy: I can’t decide whether or not I’m honored.

Dog boy: im still kind of pissed that you didn’t come

Wolf boy: I know.

Wolf boy: I’m going to grab some groceries and come over, okay?

Dog boy: ! you don’t have to bring anything im a trash dog I eat only garbage

Dog boy: is anywhere even open?

Wolf boy: I owe a lifelong patronage to that 24-hour grocery store whose dumpster I destroyed.

Dog boy: oh yeah

Dog boy: seriously you don’t have to spend money

Wolf boy: Don’t worry about it. You always feed me, anyway.

Dog boy: also possibly I should shower

Dog boy: my despair-eating can get a liiiittle messy

Wolf boy: I know.

Wolf boy: I’ll be there soon. Listen to happier music.

 

 

_Private message_

Dog boy: im writing my own song now 

Dog boy: its called Sext Promise

Wolf boy: Lovely.

Dog boy: the song is going to be VERY explicit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imho [Lee Sora's Song Request feat. Suga](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ij0SQZcqnPU) is the perfect sappy jam for when your werewolf boyfriend won't sext you.


	12. this party is for james not for your dick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A ~~ between chats means they're happening right after one another; a few empty lines between chats means time has passed.
> 
> Can you believe it's actually finally the stag party? Me neither. Get HYPE.

_Chat name: No one thanked you, Peter_

_Lily changed the chat name to Actual Stag Party Planning._

_Lily added Shannon Buckle and Saoirse Finnegan to the group._

Mindy: It’s hard to believe, but the Stag Party is right around the corner! Everyone is welcome to come to James’ house for snacks at 7, or you can just meet us at the club at 7:30. The club is called Bloom; here is a link to the club’s policies as well as directions for Apparition and Floo Powder. As a reminder, it’s tucked into Muggle London, so no excessive celebration or displays of magic. Please make sure to eat dinner beforehand. We can’t feed you, but we will bring cupcakes, and Mr. Evans has offered to buy the first round of drinks. If anyone needs a place to sleep that night, James’ house will be open. And, of course, we’re going to keep it light and fun and turn in early, so we can all be ready for Lily and James’ big day on Saturday. :) As always, let me know if you have any logistical questions or ideas for fun.

Lily: I’m so excited, all!

Shannon: Me too!

Saoirse: good clubs in Paris too haha. Not too hard to get to with a portkey

Shannon: Bloom is good! You’ll like it Saoirse

Saoirse: haha ok

Tracey: Wooooooo this is going to be great!

Wormtail: only thing turning in early will be my inhibitions

Padfoot: peter the underappreciated chat hero

Wormtail: thankyou thank you

Padfoot: people can also come to Remus’ place for dinner at six. We’ll be serving spaghetti and the best kpop jams

Wormtail: ill come but only for the kpop

Padfoot: I respect that

Mindy: Will the jams include that sexy snake moon whatever music video you made us watch every time you won a grand prix? Because I can’t listen to that song ever again

Padfoot: taemin is a beautiful androgynous succubus and he is immune to your scorn

Mindy: Unless Lily needs me for something I’ll come. I can bring breadsticks?

Padfoot: dope thank you

Wormtail: im not bringing anything

Padfoot: I know

Saoirse: Mindy you’re not coming to my house for the bitches get ready party?

Mindy: Oh sorry! I won’t have a lot of time between work and the party to eat, so I think spaghetti would be the best choice for me 

Saoirse: ok then

Mindy: I’ll see you right after at James’ though, right?

Saoirse: yeah!

Padfoot: god mindy loves us SO MUCH I can’t even handle it

Lily: I will admit, the greatest love story in this chat is probably Mindy and the boys

Padfoot: lol this from the bride

Padfoot: anything to contribute mindy?

Mindy: I’m busy

 

 

Friday

_Chat name: Actual Stag Party Planning_

Lily: We’re on our way!

Lily: As soon as Sirius stops making us listen to these loud songs to “get us hype”

Padfoot: don’t mess up my tempo

Moony: I’m just changing out of my work clothes—I’ll meet you there.

 

 

_Private message_

Dog boy: damndamndamnhottttdamn

Dog boy: babe

Dog boy: looking like a snacc

Dog boy: those lips that shirt that ass

Dog boy: who invented pants that tight I wanna write them a thank you note

Dog boy: all casul over there like youre not the hottest poa in the building

Wolf boy: Poa?

Dog boy: piece

Dog boy: of

Dog boy: ass

Wolf boy: Ah.

Dog boy: stop lookin over here I can’t take it im cryin in the club

Dog boy: I stg if you do the look me up and down thing one more time ill get on the mic and announce my boner

Wolf boy: You look nice, too.

Dog boy: wow nice huh

Dog boy: thanks for using office appropriate language

Wolf boy: Shut up.

Wolf boy: Fine.

Wolf boy: If I’m a snack, you’re the meal.

Dog boy: heyoooooooooooooooo

Wolf boy: Did that count as my sext?

Dog boy: no

 

 

_Chat name: Marauders_

Stag: Drink orders?

Stag: Also be cool about it please

Stag: Lily’s dad said he wasn’t actually offering to buy everyone drinks. He just wanted to sponsor a groomsman round

Dog: man sexism is great someimtes

Dog: Guinness for me pls

Dog: remus wants whatever beer is lightest in color and alcohol content

Wolf: Rude.

Wolf: But yeah, he’s right.

Rat: rum and coke for me please and a shot of whatever

Dog: might wanna pace yourself wormkid

Dog: im sure someone’ll do rounds of shots soon 

Wolf: Rumor has it that Saoirse just got paid.

Rat: what are you my dad

Dog: yes metaphorically and literally

Rat: Sirius you had a shot right when we got here

Dog: that was different it was a kind of greeting ritual I do 

Dog: spirit within me greets the spirit within the bar

Wolf: That’s because he’s a raging hypocrite.

Dog: the sass

Stag: It’ll be a rum and coke for now, more later!

Dog: lol the true dad has spoken

 

 

_Chat name: Marauders_

Rat: do you think mindys into me

Dog: no

Wolf: No.

Rat: okok

Stag: Definitely not

Rat: yes thank you I got it

 

 

_Chat name: Actual Stag Party Planning_

Wormtail: do you think traceys into me

Wormtail: whoops wrong chat

~~

_Chat name: Marauders_

Dog: lmfao

Rat: shut uppp

Rat: you’re the king of oops wrong chat

Dog: I think shes checking her phone

Rat: o shj

~~

_Chat name: Actual Stag Party Planning_

Tracey: You’re pretty cute. I’m kinda drunk already though so tonight aint it

Padfoot: oooooooo

Padfoot: who knew tracey was such a legend

Padfoot: everyone we were sleeping on tracey but turns out she lurks in the chat and likes Mario kart and is funny

Tracey: lol thanks

Lily: I love how it comes out that literally no one believed my friends were cool

Padfoot: love u mom

Mindy: Stop texting and come dance, dorks

 

 

_Private message_

Lily: Sorry it’s so loud I’m just texting it

Lily: Sirius is handsy af with Remus when he gets even slightly tipsy like holy shit

Mindy: He’s more than slightly tipsy

Lily: James is siTTING next to them and he’s obLIVious like should I really marry this dork

Mindy: I was dancing with Sirius earlier and Remus came over and it was like I didn’t even exist anymore ha

Lily: God what are these boys dOING

Lily: Like how high up his thigh that hand gonna go 

Lily: Are they going to start snogging right there I stfg I can’t watch this

Lily: James gonna find out his bffs are boning the nIGHT BEFORE OUR WEDDING

Mindy: Hha don’t worry about it

Mindy: This is a good song come on let’s go

Lily: Unrelated but James is such a cute idiot is it bad luck to get that D the night before your wedding

Mindy: You do you

Mindy: But also I don’t want to know

Lily: God SIRIUS get your TONGUE out of his EAR IM GOING BLIND

 

 

_Chat name: Marauders_

Rat: should I hit on tracey forreal y/n

Dog: I mean I think she already made her stance clear

Rat: you are a bad wingman

Dog: *good 

Dog: you got plenty of time tomorrow

Rat: tru

Rat: but what about nowwwwww

Dog: this party is for james not for your dick

 

 

_Chat name: Actual Stag Party Planning_

Lily: Shannon is trying to leave early can more people come to the dance floor please

Wormtail: “””””early””””

Wormtail: ill round people up

 

 

_Private message_

Lily: Can you save some room for the fucking holy spirit Sirius god

Lily: I’m trying to dance chastely with my betrothed and you boys over there eye fucking on the dance floor

Lily: You owe me so so big for distracting James from this literal Troye Sivan video 

Lily: Read my texts dammit

 

 

_Chat name: Marauders_

Rat: come help me carry these drink?

Stag: Coming

Rat: not enough girls here but hot girl said club across the street has more shes going there with all her friends should we all go there now

Stag: No

 

 

_Chat name: Actual Stag Party Planning_

Shannon: I’d fuc with either of them tbh but I’m nottttt sure I’m their type

Shannon: disregard that please

Shannon: that was sent to the wrong chat

Shannon: please disregard

 

 

_Chat name: Marauders_

Stag: Im grabbing lily a drink any other orders?

Rat: more shots plsss

Dog: im thirsty but only for dicccccccccck

Wolf: Sirius would like a water.

Rat: lol Sirius you weirdo im talked with this groupof girls if you want to come over

Dog: no thank

 

 

_Chat name: Actual Stag Party Planning_

Saoirse: whered the cupcakes go

Mindy: Haha they should be with whoever’s at the table

Saoirse: ty

Saoirse: someone has eaten all the cupcakes

Saoirse: not cool

Saoirse: in France they have real patiseree 

 

 

_Private message_

Wolf boy: There’s a single room bathroom.

Dog boy: omfg omw

 

 

_Chat name: Actual Stag Party Planning_

Lily: Stag party night before my wedding was BEST idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Taemin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OfOkiVFmhM) is just a beautiful succubus here to save us all.
> 
> Also [don't mess up Sirius' tempo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwd8N6K-sLk) ok.
> 
> Also also Saoirse out of nowhere VERY opinionated and VERY unable to spell patisserie is maybe my favorite dumb joke in this whole dumb fic.


	13. Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's actually a wedding that is actually happening. :O

_Chat name: Actual Stag Party Planning_

Lily: Stag party

Lily: Night before my wedding

Lily: Was Worst idea.

Lily: My head is pounding. I’m so sorry, all

Padfoot: its six am and I have to be awake because of your needs and I hate everything 

Prongs: Happy wedding day, lovely!

Padfoot: well at least I get to marry james today

Lily: Hi, sunshine :)

Padfoot: look at you two you’re so sweet I love you both like a lot

Prongs: We love you too Sirius

Lily: We do

Padfoot: also I feel like I was run over by three trucks and its all your fault

Prongs: I’ll bring a bottle of asprin. I have a feeling a few people might need it

Prongs: You have painkillers Lily?

Lily: It’s ok my mom did that homeopathic thing

Prongs: Don’t let your mom just do that homeopathic thing

Padfoot: lol

Prongs: I’m stopping by with drugs

Lily: Isn’t seeing me before the wedding something something bad luck?

Prongs: Worse luck for you to have a headache all day

Padfoot: cute 

Padfoot: imma go vomit in the shower

 

 

_Chat name: Marauders_

Rat: anyone know where remus is? He has my tux but hes not at home or answering his phone

Stag: @Sirius?

~~

_Private message_

Dog boy: babe im about to meet the cranky historical dude so you gotta wake up and tell peter something plausible

Dog boy: Id do it for you but I’m about to be lectured on potential fire hazards while my body rolls through waves of nausea and pain

~~

_Chat name: Marauders_

Wolf: Good morning, Peter. Sorry to worry you. I guess I got a little tipsy last night and ended up crashing at Sirius’ place. I’ll be home in a few minutes. I do have your suit in my closet.

Rat: ok im just here awkwardly at your door

Rat: didn’t I invite you over last night and you said you were going home?

Wolf: Sorry, Peter! Like I said, I must have been tipsy.

Wolf: I’ll be there in ten minutes.

Rat: lol ok

~~

_Private message_

Dog boy: “crashed” at my place

Dog boy: look at you relating to your fellow kids 

Dog boy: also is crashed new slang for climbing me like a tree

Wolf boy: He claims he’s on a Catherine Wheel of torture, and yet here he is mocking me. 

Dog boy: oop cranky man’s here time to do penance for my sins

 

 

_Private message_

Jesminder: I’m running a little late, but I’m coming with the flowers, I swear!

Boy who cried wolf: who knew I was the responsible one all along

Jesminder: You have like five jobs I have twenty

Boy who cried wolf: I don’t have the energy to fight my whole body is still pissed at me

Jesminder: I ran out of time to transport them properly, so I just used a shrinking charm and stuffed all the decorations in my purse

Boy who cried wolf: cool ill be dry heaving in the rose room

Jesminder: Just don’t dry heave on the wallpaper

 

 

_Chat name: Actual Stag Party Planning_

Mindy: Good morning, all! There are now painkillers and bottles of water in both bathrooms. Please use them

 

 

_Chat name: Actual Stag Party Planning_

Padfoot: is everyone HYPE

Mindy: Yes we’re all very hype thank you

Wormtail: wooOooOOOOOoo

Prongs: I was gonna thank you all with a little speech last night, but I guess my manly reserve got in the way. So, anyway, thanks for everything you’ve done and will do today. We appreciate it so, so much

Padfoot: lol bb you cornered every single one of us last night and told us how much you loved us

Wormtail: its true even Saoirse and she mostly just looked confused

Prongs: Well then

~~

_Private message_

Daddy’s boi: you still love me best right

Jimjam: Always

 

 

_Chat name: Actual Stag Party Planning_

Lily: We’re mARRied we did it!!

Lily: And this group chat is useless now

Lily: Fly away, little birds

Padfoot: u really think we’re going to stop posting in here

Padfoot: my sweet summer child

Wormtail: yeah the chat survived the sextpocalypse I don’t think a wedding will defeat it

Wormtail: groupchat is ball groupchat is life

Padfoot: mindy don’t think youll escape either we have your address

Mindy: I don’t know you

Padfoot: see how she loves us

Padfoot: also tracey you seem chill

Wormtail: lol get wreckd other bridesmaids

Padfoot: something something we appreciate you other bridesmaids as well for your unique gifts

Wormtail: nice save

_Saoirse Finnegan has left the group._

Wormtail: oooooooooooooo

Padfoot: what a beautiful throwback

Padfoot: im kinda getting emotional about it

Padfoot: we’ve come so far and yet some things never change

Wormtail: if anyone had their doubts about Sirius’ ability to repel friends and strangers he STILL GOT IT

Padfoot: but like should I apologize to her for real

Lily: Eh, she’s fine

 

 

_Private message_

Dog boy: did I mention youre cute when youre hungover and grumpy

Wolf boy: I’m not hungover.

Dog boy: also the fit on that suit hot damn give the tailor a raise 

Dog boy: greatest quandary of our time do I want you in it or out of it

~~

_Private message_

Jesminder: Can you stop texting Remus during the literal father of the bride speech?

Boy who cried wolf: lol

Boy who cried wolf: howd you know who I was texting

Jesminder: Feminine intuition

Jesminder: Also he’s blushing

Boy who cried wolf: new phone who dis

 

 

_Private message_

Jimjam: Geez Sirius I’m still crying a little

Jimjam: I don’t deserve you or Lily

Daddy’s boi: I don’t mean to be gross, but you are my best friend and you probably saved me from turning to a life of crime or whatever to get away from my family

Jimjam: Gezzz

Jimjam: Don’t credit me with that. Those were your choices that I just got to be there for

Daddy’s boi: still time to marry me too that’s probably legal somewhere

Jimjam: I’ll see what Lily thinks

 

 

_Private message_

Lily: Sirius I’m so so sorry I think James left his bag at the reception by our table. Can you grab it? Portkey’s leaving soon

Lily’s slave: got it omw

 

 

_Private message_

Dog boy: man they’re gone

Dog boy: I know it’s just for a week but it weirdly feels bigger than that?

Dog boy: they’ll be all happy and make a family and leave us behind

Wolf boy: You know how I promised you a sext?

Dog boy: omfgggg yes

Wolf boy: Well here it is:

Dog boy: shittttt im not ready

Wolf boy: I’m sorry I made you be reticent about us. I keep having the instinct that it’s like my other problem, that I need to hide it to survive, but that’s not really fair to you, and it underestimates our friends, too.

Dog boy: remussssss this is feelings texting not sexting

Wolf boy: Not done.

Wolf boy: You’re exquisite. You’re the kindest, most supportive asshole I’ve ever met. That suit and single earring combo should be illegal. I get quiet and spacey because there’s the constant pain that I can’t grab you by the shirt collar every time I see you. Also the ass. I would very much like for you to come fuck me up on the dance floor and then move in with me, please.

Dog boy: shitttttttt

Dog boy: ahhhh I absolutely will ahhh

Dog boy: ill even clean your kitchen sometimes I promise

Dog boy: shit I just walked into a lamppost

Dog boy: shitshit

Dog boy: ok to be more realistic ill clean the kitchen like….once a week

Dog boy: man that wasnt explicit enough to be a sext but idc

Wolf boy: Come back to the party already, fuckboy.

Dog boy: omfg yes im coming babe shit

Dog boy: best day of my life shitshitshit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow this dumb fic took over my whole life, and I had way, way too much fun with it. Also it is a surprising amount of work to manage continuity in a ridiculously long string of imaginary texts. I hope you enjoyed it! Also I hope I'm able to text normally again soon without feeling weird that I'm not texting in character.


End file.
